I Still Play Internet Scrabble

The only TV I ever watch either comes from DVDs or the laundry room. As for the latter, during the past few months Theresa and I have deliberately did laundry on Thursday in order to catch the latest episode of "The Office," and have noticed several commercials for a new reality dating show called "The Age of Love," where a group of 20-something bimbos compete with a group of 40-something bimbos for one 30-something bachelor -"The Kitties v. The Cougars!" Now, you might be thinking that since such dating shows are a sad comment on the state of our entertainment industry, I am probably going to take this opportunity to express my extreme dislike for this program and all others like it - but, actually, I will not. For you see, I, back in my swinging singles days was myself chosen for a similar "Bachelor" program. Mind you, it was not actually broadcast on national television (or any other kind of television), but simply an activity designed by the literacy committee (of all organizations) in my Young Single Adult Ward back in Edmonton as yet another scheme to get us menaces to society married off as quickly as possible. In this program, potential bachelors were to submit a statement about their qualifications for such a coveted position, and potential contestants were to submit their plans for a creative date. The bachelor then went on five dates with the girls who came up with the most creative ideas. So I applied (but only because my cousin pulled on of those classic I'll-do-it-if-you-do-and-then-not-actually-do-it stunts) and was chosen - naturally. As "The Chosen One" (as I liked to call myself), I had the privelage of being taken on 5 dates by five lovely bachelorettes, none of which being Theresa. But hey - free dates. My winning submission is reprinted below:

With the number of Garneau Elders who wish to become anxiously engaged, I am sure scores of applications for our ward’s Bachelor program will be submitted and wonder what I might write to properly express why I should be given the great privilege of dating some of the Relief Society’s elect sisters. I could expound on my virtues: explain that I am intelligent and funny, for example, inform you that, although my photo-directory mug shot suggests otherwise, I am extremely attractive, tell you I am a witty conversationalist who is able to feign interest in any topic my date brings up, I am grateful, smart, true, clean, humble, prayerful, among other things. I could—since I heard the Literacy Committee is planning the activity—explain I am quite literate and impress you with my creative use of punctuation or I could make a fool of myself in the way that seems prevalent in most singles wards. But alas, I fear the selection may be a mere popularity contest and any explanation of my countless virtues and remarkable writing skills will be futile. This situation, although unfortunate, would not bother me (yes it would) because my ego is strong and I already go on many dates that I arrange without assistance (I spend most weekends alone playing computer Scrabble). So, pick whoever you feel will be the best bachelors (pick me), and even if I am not chosen, I hope your program goes well (no I don’t).

Sincerely,
Randy Miller