Right of Passage?

I have successfully completed another right of passage to become a member of that learned profession called lawyering by passing with colors that fly my very first oral argument. Now, the judges don’t actually give verdicts in the cases we argue, but between you and me, I would have to say that I totally won the case. Poor Ms Phillips (my opponent) didn’t stand a chance against my penetrating arguments and mastery of rhetoric that caused the panel to actually stand up and give me a standing ovation. One of them even offered me a clerkship in his court, which I politely refused.

Ok, the truth is there was no offer, no standing ovation, and my rhetoric may have been very slightly less than masterful, as demonstrated by the following, an actual (and by that I mean completely invented) quote from my presentation:

“Um… I’d like to… to begin…bydissscussingsomepointsmyopponentbroughtup… um… I… … …she said that the doctrines of necessarily appli… applied…to medical arbitring forms… uh, docutments…” and so on and so forth for another 14 min until that cube that I turned to after every sentence in the hopes that it would reveal that my time has become just one minute shorter.

Ok, the real truth is that it wasn’t even that bad. The quote I gave is pretty accurate represenation of the beginning of my presentation, but by the time the judges (or should I say judge, because pretty much the only one on the panel who asked questions was this one dillard who must have loved the sweet taste of power and took it upon herself to completely commandeer the bench with her just-too-harsh criticisms) began questioning the argument I had developed over the past few months, I shook off the nerves, imagined myself back in the seventh grade, trying to defend some ridiculous position I adopted simply because it was opposite to my friends’ views, and spoke up to protect my side of the case. Of course, I hope my responses were a little more sophisticated than they were back in 1994, or else I may have said something like:

“You say that Mr. Winter’s participation in completing the medical forms gave his wife implied agency?! Well, I say that your participation in questioning my brief gives you implied stupidness!”

I wonder why I didn’t make in onto my Jr. High debate team.

And in other news, I received word that I was not selected to be a Peer Advisor next year. I don’t really care that much, but I do wonder if their may have been a little discriminatory intent behind that decision—or at least some discriminatory effects. I mean, I did some research and no Canadians have served in the Peer Advisor program for at least 2 years! I think this is a direct violation of the equal protection amendment of the constitution (the 14th or 13th or something like that)! That’s right, and because this discrimination is based on race, I demand the strictest of scrutiny to sort this whole mess out. So, those PAs better have a very compelling end to deny me my life liberty or property, and their means better be narrowly tailored to whatever goal they have. All I know is that they better watch out, because Im going to go all Con Law on them, and I have just perfected my litigation strategy (see above). Oh, and just for the record, I don’t think I’ll ask for an injunction; damages will be just fine—about, say $35, 000 or so (what’s tuition next year again?)

So I wont be spending next year reliving my 1L glory days as a PA, (oh, how I miss those times). But I will get to spend my time fulfilling my new position as… drum roll… Health Law Association Co-President! That’s right, after a heated election full of scandals and a little back-stabbing, I emerged as the new (co) leader of the Free World (or at least the portion of the free world that is concerned with health law at UVa Law). So yeah, all you UVa friends, come on out to our Health Law activities—they’ll be health-law-tastic.